My Divorce Coach

Plus ca Change...

Tears came to my eyes on Wednesday. No, not over our performance at the Olympics, but to hear the huge leaps my newest coaching client has made.
In just a little more than a month her goals have shifted from developing more self worth and identity, to developing a better relationship with her new partner...

Now this !
Me sitting listening to the first 5 minutes of our session, with her telling me how her relationship had just taken a quantum development.
As she sat, relaxed, easy, moving slower than she had done the first time we met, face filled with colour, and such a contrast to the strained white tense skin she brought at our first 30 minute meet. There was a sense of calm around her. A different twinkle in her eyes. A security in her tone of voice

At previous session, through deconstructing and reconstructing her language. Introducing her to different habits of words, and patterns of expression she had discovered a safe way to tell her parner how much she felt.

At first session I had suggested that she read about the Five Love Languages an amazing book with such simple yet profound advice

Another session we spent exploring safe ways she could sit within a bubble of protection, and listen without responding through emotion. Now, here she was in front of me, telling me that she had pulled it together with the outcome that she felt authentic.

She felt relaxed and happy because she was able to express herself without fear.

Being a coach, sometimes my role is directly involved in enabling business development, othertimes, specifically around divorce issue.
At all times my work is about change. Hence the name of the this post.

The more things change...........

Small change.... small steps leading to big change. Positive change, and happy change too.
What a great session, what a great job it is to be a coach

If you are breaking up, chances are you dont get on...

My hairdresser said to me yesterday "Your ex husband so different from you !
Laughing, " I replied ' Well that's why he's my EX-husband ;-)"

Later a lawyer chatted to me about possible ways that some coaching might move on an impasse with two of her client's divorce proceedings.

Apparently, her client, the soon to be exhusband, is committed to the divorce, prepared to be reasonable, and has made plenty of offers, but is reaching the end of available territory to negotiate.

But the soon to be exwife, is just not prepared to shift. Standing firm, she steadfastly refuses to change her position

With legal costs for just one meeting sometimes amounting to £2000, and the whole process dragging on for over two years, this couple have a lot of joint assets flowing out of the pot.

As a coach, my role is to stay neutral, and keep emotion out of the frame.

As the lawyer suggested that coaching might help the other party understand that she needed to change to get a result. My thoughts wondered, who would be most likely to change ?

How can we effect change in someone who doesn't want to change ?

Because she always does, what she's always done, she's always get what she's always got, and so does he
The will be no change, they will, and have both been behaving just as they always have done

To gain a change in the dynamic of this relationship, then one party needs to subtly change, do, and behave slightly differently, in a non habitual way, and this will change the entire dynamic

Divorce Coaching with NLP & Hypnosis

The statistics show that divorce rates in England and Wales are now at lowest levels since 1984.

In 2006 divorce rates for men and women under 40 fell by 10 per cent and 9 per cent respectively compared with the previous year. For men aged under 40 the divorce rate of 23.4 divorcing men per 1,000 married men aged 16 to 39 is the lowest since 1984. Not since 1987 has the divorce rate for women aged under 40 been as low as in 2006: 23.3 divorcing women per 1,000 married women aged 16 to 39.

Over the last 10 years the average age at divorce in England and Wales has risen from 39.8 to 43.4 years for men and from 37.3 to 40.9 years for women, partly reflecting the rise in age at marriage.

One in five men and women divorcing in 2006 had a previous marriage ending in divorce. This proportion has doubled in 25 years. In 1981 just over one in ten men and women divorcing had a previous marriage ending in divorce.

For 69 per cent of divorces in 2006, the wife was granted the divorce. For all divorces granted, behaviour was the most common fact proven.

Between 2005 and 2006, the number of divorces granted in the UK fell by 4.5 per cent to 148,141, from 155,052. This is the second consecutive drop in the number of UK divorces and the lowest number since 1977. The figure is 18 per cent lower than the highest number of divorces, which peaked in 1993 (180,018).

The number of divorces in England and Wales fell by 6.5 per cent to 132,562 in 2006, accounting for the fall in the UK overall. Conversely, divorces in both Scotland (13,014) and Northern Ireland (2,565) increased in 2006 by 19 per cent and 9 per cent respectively.

So, the statistics seem to show that people who get married once, are liable to do it again, and those who have divorced before, are also liable to do it again.

Is that really surprising?
After all, we all have habits, and patterns of behaviour. The way we stand, smile, the language we use, comments we make. Everything is a habit. Most likely the individual with the habit, isn't aware of their habit. But what would have been interesting to me, is just how many of the people who divorced again, had left it over 5 years before they married again. Or just what percentage of people divorcing, marry again within say 2 years. That would give a much better indicator of habitual patterns of behaviour.

Because most of us have deeply engrained behaviours that we are unaware of, and are also unaware just how aggrevating those habits can be to other people. During tjedivorce process, we all focus on the negative, so, it's not really surprising that what was once love and affection for a partner, can turn to frustration, and detest. For many people gettuing out of a marriage can only happen when they really are at the end of their tether.

That's where Divorce Coaching helps, because Divorce Coaching, is more than helping people through the divorce process.It's all about getting to know yourself, and partly about how to control your emotions.

It's well known that, using NLP and Hypnosis processes are a powerful ways to change habits, where people want to change.
Jilly
Divorce Coach
My Divorce Coach

Probably likely to happen, but not what you set out to achieve

Divorce is the last thing any excited bride or groom should be discussing.
But, mention the word "divorce", to most anyone you meet on the street, and it conjures an almost universal response. Just about everyone know's someone who is going through a divorce, into a divorce, out of a divorce, thinking about divorce, or who has been divorced two or three or more times.
Bring up the phrase divorce with young children around, and most have 'double' members of the family. Two Mum's, or Dad's as parent's have been through that 'thing' Divorce. So, divorce is really no longer taboo, but it's still a subject rarely discussed, and never planned for, despite it frequency in just about every family.
While we all openly discuss the stress of choosing a career, losing a job, a spouse through bereavement. Who discusses the stress caused by the life changing event of getting divorced ?

It's almost becaome so common that we forget just how stressful the emotional aspects of relationships have on everday living.

Today coaching is a growing profession. Specialist coaches are turning their attention to smaller and smaller areas of expertiese. Business coaching, career coaching, bereavement coaching, and sports coaching are all well identified areas. Now coaches are focussing their attention on specialising in the whole area of Divorce Coaching.

So why Divorce Coaching?
Well,
First, if you arrive at work and tell your colleagues that the house burnt down, or you had a car crash, chance is that you will get some sympathy. But mention divorce, and the reality is that no one wants to hear all about your problems. Divorce, is just too close to home. Chances are most of the folk at the office have been through a divorce,  a relationship breakdown or seperation. Most of them want to leave their relationship problems behind closed doors at home.

If they are happy in a relationship, they may not want to discuss the possibility of divorce, just not wanting to tempt fate !Alternately they may not be that happy at home, just want to keep quiet about it.

Second, divorce is tricky. There are so many small areas of association between scarily changing law and divorce. The how, the who, the why and the where of all  the laws, and rules  covering  splitting of assets, pensions, property, children, schooling, money. It's a minefield.

So, chance is that when as soon as the word divorce is raised, folk start to change the subject.

Even best friends can get bored listening to emotional tales of who did what and where.

So who can divorcees turn to?

Is it surprising that Divorce Coaching is a growing area of specialism?

Divorce Coaches offer confidential, private discreet goal centered coaching sessions. Unlike psychotherapists, there is no digging up the past looking to aportion blame. Coaching is about moving forward, making choices, setting targets, and priorities.

Divorce Coaches provide confidential skill training on how to emotionally, and physically prepare for the experience of being in a courtroom.

Divorce Coaches train you how to change your habits and patterns, so that communication with your soon to be ex can be civil.

This leaves you time to relax with friend's and discover life

As your divorce progresses, chances are that your lawyer will give you great advice. Most likely your IFA professional will explore what the outcomes are financially best for you.

But the best way to work on your own goals, growth, and to discover how to keep the emotion OUT of the discussions,  is with a Divorce Coach. Before relationships with your soon to be ex turn too sour, you can gain valuable information, and negotiate to be close to aggreements.
Cheaper than spending time weeping with the lawyer, who may well need to charge you an hourly rate for their time. Safer than arguing with the ex in front of the children, causing memories they will remember subconsciously for ever.
My Divorce Coach is a specialist professional service, which was set up after my discussions with a local family law solicitor made me aware that most folk find Divorce incredibly stressful and negative.

My driving force is setting up this specialist coaching service, was the question, could I make divorce a positive process?
Could I train skills other people to model the skills I used when I managed my own divorce?
My Divorce Coach was born, to support otherss, at any stage of their divorce process.

Jilly

Divorce Coach

http://www.mydivorcecoach.co.uk